World domination, block by block.
I figured it out. It came to me while I was playing a video game. It was right in front of me this whole time. I know what world domination looks like, and its going to be cute.
Theories abound concerning the ultimate endgame of the single world government plot. Popular culture would have us believe that failed scenarios result in various types of apocalypse, while successful world takeovers yield technologically advanced utopias that conceal evil totalitarianism. The truth, it turns out, is something else entirely. Fingers point in every direction, all of them missing the mark, while a privately held company in Denmark continuously churns out the building blocks of our future society. That’s right. I’m talking about Lego. Hear me out. Our future depends on it.
It is not my intent to discredit all other theories, as it would seem that they each have a small part of the truth in them, but collectively this is the only thing that makes sense. Take the Rise of the Machines Theory, for instance. Supposedly, we will create ever increasingly intelligent computers to perform all manor of labor for us, inevitably reaching the point where their undisciplined genius gives way to laziness, whereupon they realize that they don’t want to work any more and decide to reverse the slave/master relationship. I just don’t see it happening that way. But what if we don’t create smart machines, but become them instead? Neuroscientist Randal Koene figures we can upload humanity into a computer and plans to do so with his own brain. Far fetched, you say? Scientists at The Open Worm Project have already put the mind of a worm into a wheeled robotic Lego body! Coincidence? And then there’s the idea of a global takeover by powerful corporations. Chew on this: Not only is Lego the single biggest toy company in the world, it is also, as of February 2015, the biggest brand name in the world, stealing that title from Ferrari. That’s right, until February we were in danger of living in a world full of expensive high performance vehicles and mandatory pizza nights. Not as crazy as it sounds, the Illuminati got their start in Italy…
So now we are looking at humanity as we know it being uploaded into computers with Lego bodies. But won’t we destroy the planet by converting our entire civilization into plastic? Nope, they thought of that. Lego just announced a plan to convert their products into completely “sustainable” materials by 2030. Diabolical.
So what benefits are they going to sell us on to pull this off? In a Lego world the differences between genders will evaporate, health care will no longer be necessary, violence in all its forms can be undone by simple reassembly, all our “sustainable” plastic vehicles will be electric, obesity will be a style rather than an epidemic, no one will have to worry about stepping on small Lego pieces hidden in the carpet because our feet will be made of the same material, and the list goes on. It has long been theorized that Hollywood creates movies that gently present concepts to the public in order to make it easier for them to accept when the time comes to make some world changes. For those who are paying attention, many popular Hollywood films are getting the Lego treatment in the form of video games, thereby allowing us to equate what we see in film with an exact Lego replica. How long will it be before they start replacing the real world with a Lego version?
Its time to wake up, people! We cannot allow our lives to be taken over by this cute simplicity! We cannot let a flat square become the only body type option! I, for one, will not stand by and watch civilization as we know it be reduced to colorful bricks with build instructions. I will be leading a campaign against these usurpers of human individuality, and I hope you’ll join me. Just as soon as I help Lego Batman find this last golden brick…