Did it myself.

Despite my proclivity for inflicting wounds with hand tools, I have never been one to give up my hard earned cash for a job that my mind tells me I should be able to do myself. Whether or not I am successful in the endeavor is entirely irrelevant, as it provides valuable education as to the inner workings of modern appliances, which people of lesser inclination actually pay money to learn in a tech school. Plus, I own all seven seasons of MacGuyver on DVD.

     I’ve had a fairly decent track record for fixing things myself. Computers, vehicles, jewelry, and small electronics have all made it onto my “cracked open and fixed” list. Today I took a shot at a portable air conditioner. It’s one of those free standing models with the flexible hose that looks like a robot arm reaching through the window to warn us of danger. The last few days have seen a decline in its room cooling proficiency, culminating with a stubborn refusal of its compressor to kick on, despite my sternest warnings and withering glares that usually work on smaller machines. No longer willing to tolerate its defiance, my better half instructed me to contact a repair man. I assured her that I would take care of it. After she left, I drug weighty appliance out from its protective corner and prepped for medieval surgery, despite its cries for mercy.

     Before getting started I inspected the unit with a blindingly bright LED flashlight. Within its vented orifices, I spied the problem. The thin metal blades of the coils were completely clogged with dust, allowing absolutely no air to flow through them. I’m no refrigeration expert, but if cleaning the coils on my kitchen fridge keeps it working, then the same was probably true in this case. Diagnosis: household dust induced asthma. Solution: tear it open by any means deemed necessary to clean said dust. My primary tools in this case were screwdrivers, at least three of them. One phillips head for removing screws, and two flat head for prying panels apart to discover where the hidden screws are. Its an old manufacturer’s trick. I’m sure they think that if you can’t figure out how to open the unit up then you will have no choice but to come to them for repairs. I scoff in their collective faces. Simply wedging a screwdriver between panels to find which areas have the least amount of flexibility quickly determines where screws are holding it together. Then you scratch and bang until something falls off, revealing the screw. I feel I’ve perfected this process.

     The air conditioner heaved a final sigh and the plastic case dropped away, revealing that not only was I right, but it was clogged even worse than I was able to see with the flashlight. A combination of brushing and blowing for about half an hour finally got the coil vents clear enough that I could see through them again. It wasn’t perfect, but with my limited tools it would have to do.
     Reassembly, as always, was tricky. You might think that it would simply be a reversal of the opening process. You clearly have never tried to fix something by yourself before. The screws that all looked like they were the same size when you put them into a single pile have magically changed into random lengths. Plus, you have to hold several pieces together in a precise manner with one hand while you discover that what you screwed in with the other hand is the wrong size and now the threads of the hole are stripped out. Being an experienced do-it-yourselfer, I know better than to back out a screw that turns out to be too big for the hole I forced it into. I just take a mental note, get the right sized screw into the opposite side, and move on. Once its all back together the screws are hidden anyway and no one is the wiser.
     Sure enough, fully reassembled and leeching power from the wall outlet, the air conditioner sputtered to life and immediately began cooling the room with such an intensity that I had to adjust its thermostat to a warmer setting. After what we just went through, I’m pretty sure it won’t dare allow its coils to become clogged with dust again. With our hierarchical relationship now established, further problems can be solved with stern warnings and withering glares. Job done.